Patient'sPages

Many times, you might have observed elderly people having a premonition about their dying. They are at peace. They might announce their end a few hours before their actual demise. I vividly remember my grand father saying, "Call my daughter in law and my grand children. I may not see the sunset." After a few hours he closed his eyes. I have witnessed the death of people who have learnt to love fully. Such deaths are peaceful, pain free, a letting go; deaths in which no time is spent dying. They don't have pain because there is no conflict in their lives. They are at peace and are comfortable. When they die, they are choosing to leave their bodies because they think they can't use them for loving anymore.

Do we have some control over our own dying? You may not agree with me if I say 'yes' but there is often proof of this when people die in a hospital. The majority of patients die in the early hours of the morning when the lifesavers are resting and when family members have left or fallen asleep. Probably all these patients are constantly balancing the rewards of life versus the "cost of living". We must realize that patients are not 'living or dying' but 'alive or dead'. If someone is called 'terminally ill,' he is often treated as dead. This is wrong. If one is alive, one can still laugh, live and love.

An elderly lady, Mrs. Kee (name changed) was receiving chemotherapy for her advanced breast cancer. Her husband met with an accident and was admitted in the ICU of a multi specialty hospital. He required ventilatory support at night. Relatives did not want to tell Mrs. Kee about the condition of her husband. The next day we came to know that both husband and wife had passed away. Mrs. Kee followed Mr. Kee after a gap of just 5 minutes. The cause of death in the case of Mrs. Kee could not be ascertained. This was probably a living death where feelings were unspoken, conflicts unresolved. Sometimes life goes on only for the sake of others.

Death can be natural and peaceful. A young patient of mine was loved and taken care of so well in his last days that he left a note at the time of his death saying, "The last month of my life was the best period of my life. Thank you for the love showered on me. I am taking it with me." On the other hand, death can be artificially prolonged with needles, tubes and ventilators and become a life without dignity. This is not control at the time of death. Control at the time of dying is natural, peaceful and subconscious.

When my beloved husband, Lenny, at age 50, was unexpectedly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, we entered into the most challenging time of our lives. As he used to say, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the best of times because with the possibility of Lenny dying, every moment together, every day together, became so precious. We agreed to be completely open to trusting life and whatever it would bring, whether the miracle we hoped for, or death.

I had read a book many years earlier, called "Who Dies" by Stephen Levine. In this book, he talked about the opportunity for healing for the person facing death, as well as the friends and family around, whether the body lived or died. And so, we used this as our model for this time, looking for healing, both physical, but more importantly, spiritual, for him as well as spiritual healing for our family. As we went through the rounds of hospital stays, chemo, test after test, crisis after crisis, this was our lifeline. During the course of his illness and eventual death, which was about two months, many of our friends as well as both of us, were transformed in opening to this time in such a profound and trusting way.

For myself now, when I am asked about the most important lesson I learned, I answer, that somehow, in facing the biggest loss of my life, the dearest person in my life, the greatest lesson was that I learned to trust life! That somehow it's okay that Lenny died. It's part of the universal plan, it's a good plan, and I trust the plan and the planner. What freedom!

With gratitude to my dearest Lenny, my greatest teacher and deepest love!

Through God's grace I was allowed to stay for several years in a little ashram at the shore of the Ganga, when one day I learned that I had cancer. It was a shock, unexpected. An excellent surgery was done in Delhi and also the beginning of the treatment. During this time some of the ashramites and friends took loving care of me. Then, because of weakness of mind, I went back to my own country until the end of the Chemotherapy Now I am again at my cherished place near Gangaji. Perhaps my love for her has grown a little through this experience. Gangaji is always flowing, a palpable expression of the Divine's uninterrupted grace. In her loving compassion she is accepting us in grief and despair as well as in joy and happiness. As she flows she is bestowing peace and confidence.

Gangaji is helping me so much in my daily life that she surely will be an inestimable help also at the time of death, enveloping my Soul and carrying it gently towards my destination. This can be possible in Ganga Prem Hospice, which will be situated near Gangaji and will provide a spiritual atmosphere. It will surely be an auspicious place for all of us who have to accept the challenge of having cancer and of approaching death.

The moment the doctor declares that "YOU HAVE CANCER," the patient is almost dead and so are his/her close relatives. It is immaterial at that time to know from the doctor which part of the body is affected. After a gap when you come out of that initial shock and gather some strength the word, which strikes you like a hammer is not cancer. Actually, it is not cancer, what takes over is the word "DEATH".

Life loses its meaning in the DEATH. More often people are so overwhelmed by the prospect of death that it takes a considerable act of will to bring the concentration back on life. At this point of time we all need help to do this. This is where care, care that does not restrict itself to the medical side alone, has a crucial role to play in looking after people with cancer.

What is required besides medical treatment? A gentle touch of psychological, social & spiritual care. For spiritual care, you are not dependant on others, it comes from within.

The word cancer brings the fear of death. Why are we afraid of death? Because we do not want to be separated from our loved ones. To overcome this fear the only thing, which comes to our rescue, is our spiritual strength. Death brings distress to those who desire to live but makes no effect on those who have no desire to live.

Life is a most precious gift of God. This disease is not the cruelty of God. It has come to us due to our "PRARABDH" (the outcome of our actions committed in our previous birth). We should not curse God for what has happened rather we should be thankful to God that he is giving us a chance to come closer to him. Pray to him day & night for his kindness. In harness we pray seriously with all our faith & devotion. At that time we should not worry about how much time is left at our command. How many years we are going to live is pre-destined. So we should not worry about the quantity of life, but the quality of the life we now have to live.

Once the fear is vanished, the joy of life will take over automatically. Nature will look so romantic and beautiful. Chant his name, do "SATSANG" always and remember him for his kindness 24 hours a day. Do not pray for yourself alone. Pray for all those who are suffering. Engage yourself in the service of those who need it, considering it as if you are serving God. This will give you immense pleasure, peace of mind and the rest of your life will be really satisfying and meaningful.

"jatasya hi dhruvo mrityur
dhruvam janma mritasya ca,
tasmadapariharye-rthe
na tvam socitumarhasi"

	Sergio was from Rome, Italy. He and his wife were successful journalists. Sergio developed a terrible cough. A friend of Francesca, who was a doctor, heard the cough and advised that Sergi should have an x-ray immediately. The tumour, in the right lung, was already very large and pressing on the pulmonary vein. The doctors suggested a 6-month course of chemotherapy, which would give him a 20% chance that they could remove the affected lung. Unfortunately, they said, his left lung, was not in good condition so after the operation he would probably be confined to a wheel chair with a very short life expectancy. Sergio told Francesca to book their flight to India. He made his will and prepared for an early departure. He phoned the ashram in the Himalaya where they had sometimes stayed for spiritual retreats. He told the people in the ashram that he was coming to stay for'the rest of my life' adding that it might not be long! A
thrombosis in his leg forced them to cancel the flight. Doctors said that it was madness to try to fly. One doctor lovingly advised 'its now or never'. They booked the tickets again. The doctors doubted that he would survive the flight in his condition but Sergio said he would rather die on the way to India, on the way to Ganga Ma, than to die in Rome. So, with Francesca's constant support, Sergio packed his bags, said goodbye to friends and relatives and locked the door to their apartment behind him for the last time. He walked on crutches, dragging one heavily bandaged leg behind him but jubilant to be on his way to the Himalaya and the holy river Ganga.

They did reach Delhi. Sergio was exhausted and so they rested there for 2 days and then continued to Haridwar. The first thing Sergio did on reaching the temple, where they were to stay, was to climb slowly down the stairs to the ghat and make a full length pranam (prostration) to Ganga Ma. Tears of love and gratitude streamed down his face. He and Francesca rested for 2 more days taking short walks in the Bazaar and sitting watching the Ganga. The next day they were in their way again to the little Himalayan ashram on the bank of the mountain Ganga. Reaching the Ashram Sergio headed straight over the rocks to Ganga Ma. Heedless of his crutches and weakness, he hobbled to the water and lay on the edge with his forehead touching the cool, blue water. Again his tears flowed and he was overcome with joy.

Exhaustion brought on a fever for a few days, after which Sergio recovered and began to live his life to the full. Wandering among the flowers in the garden he grew stronger. He enjoyed everything. Each new day was a gift, he said. Every morning he went slowly down the steps to the beach and washed in Gang Ma. He offered incense to Ganga Ma and sat for hours watching her waves and the surrounding mountains. He sat in the garden and read the scriptures. He joined in discussions about deep spiritual truths with the other ashram members. He played too, sometimes with a stray dog, which he adopted and sometimes by narrating amusing stories that had everyone in fits of laughter. He liked to cook and eat all sorts of interesting Italian dishes with Francesca. He planted some tomato plants and, carrying small amounts of water in a bucket, tended them and watched them grow, flower and eventually give fruits. It wasn't all easy. There were physical, emotional and spiritual problems too but he faced them all with clarity and astounding bravery. From time to time the people in the ashram phoned Dr. Dewan and he advised simple homely ways of making Sergio physically more comfortable. For 2 months Sergio grew stronger, then there was a plateau, then slowly, slowly he grew thinner and weaker. Even so he carried on his activities as much as he was able. He never failed to go down to Ganga Ma each day, even when it meant he had to hold on to the wall and go very, very slowly.

Francesca kept her tears to moments on her own or with her friends. For Sergio she was always radiant, beautiful, loving and supportive.
Sergio gradually became quieter. He said the many issues of life about which he had always had such strong opinions 'are not really important any more'. He spent hours sitting quietly gazing at Ganga or into space. His face became serene and radiant. He said he was at peace, living each new day with wonder and contentment.

Three weeks before the end they decided to go to Benares where they had stayed in the past and where it is believed that all who die within the city's boundary's achieve liberation. Miraculously he did survive the journey and spent the last 2 weeks listening to the sound of arti and kirtan(worship and singing) coming from the many temples, going down to the ghat every day to make his pranam to Ganga Ma and to watch the colourful bustle of pilgrims. Day by day he leaned more heavily on Francesca until a friend was also needed to help to support him as he walked.

Soon one side of his body became paralyzed and he was no longer able to go down to Ganga Ma. After a moment of disappointment, he didn't seem to mind and was at peace. He said that now he had everything he wanted.

After three days he left his body in Francesca's arms. As he had requested her to do, she refused to have him taken to hospital and he died next to Ganga Ma, in a little house on Tulsi Ghat. He was 52 years old. Sergio was cremated in Harischandra Ghat where Francesca lit the pyre. She remained in Benares thirteen more days and then did all the traditional pujas (worship) for him including the Kashi puja of Liberation.

PATIENT'S PAGES

Cancer patients and their loved ones are invited to write to us about their views, thoughts and feelings. We will include as many letters, articles and stories as is possible in these web pages.

'Let us add life to years rather than years to life'